Bad Joke of the Day 16

An English man, a Spaniard, a Frenchman, and a German go to a club.
The guy on stage asks if they can see him.
They said: “Yes. Oui. Si. Ja.”

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?

Attract her.🚜

>2 2wonderY: Thank you. I need these silly jokes to distract (he left his tractor behind when he left the farm for the police force) my brother from a very complicated surgery he is recovering from in the hospital at the moment.

True thing:
I happen to be a member of the Nextdoor app.
On 01-Apr, a notable character there posted: Just saw the News release from NASA, that the Eclipse has been postponed from Monday, and moved to Tuesday… Please make and change your plans accordingly. Please pass on..This is important..

Many members appreciated the joke. Some actually thought it was true.

My reply: Due to budgetary constraints, the event is being downgraded from a total to a partial eclipse.
Hardly matters, as soon as the shadow crosses the border from Mexico, it'll likely be arrested.

I was watching the Australian version of Masterchef last night. One of the contestants made a lovely meringue and everybody cheered.

I thought, that's odd. Normally in Australia they boo meringue.

>5 AHS-Wolfy: That one should help MrsLee's brother rebound.

>5 AHS-Wolfy: LOL!

>5 AHS-Wolfy: & >6 humouress: We shall see if his pain meds let him work it out.

I have a friend who is on two simultaneous diets. He wasn't getting enough food on just one.

Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?

A: Pick a cod - any cod.

Q: What becomes of a baseball player when his eyesight fails?
A: He becomes an umpire.

>9 alco261: Nice!

Teacher: What is a millennium?
Johnny: It's about the same as a centenary, only it's got more legs.

>13 hfglen: LOL

>13 hfglen: HAhahahaha!

An antidote is a funny story you've heard before.

(Source: Rhodesia Railways Magazine, as for #13.)

I was offered a construction job in Egypt this morning.

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme.

>17 AHS-Wolfy: I'm going to use that.

"The biggest problems for traffic planners", says an expert, "are urban, suburban and bourbon drivers."

The Egyptians were great builders, up to a point.

A dragon would never explode, but a dino might.

I used to know a guy with one leg that worked in a brewery.

He was in charge of the hops

>22 AHS-Wolfy:
Where did his other leg work?

>23 pgmcc:
It was a SAHM (stay-at-home member).

>23 pgmcc: Very good. Let's see you crack on with this one ;)

Why don't the French eat two eggs.
Cos one egg is an oeuf

>25 AHS-Wolfy: *eyeroll* :)

>25 AHS-Wolfy: Ha! I'm passing that one on to someone who needs a laugh!

          

>28 weird_O:
Perfection, thank you.

>28 weird_O: Made my brother groan, for which I thank you.

>28 weird_O: 🤦‍♀️

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

They are all too wrapped up in themselves.

What's the name of the girl standing between two goalposts?

Annette.

A deaf man walked into a Jazz Club. Everyone was immediately jealous of him….

well I happen to like Jazz. Now if it said Rap that would work

>34 rgurskey: >35 cindydavid4: General form of the joke: "A deaf man walked into a .... I like jazz and dislike rap also, so maybe a pub where a metal band is playing?

My father wore a hearing aid, and when we kids got too noisy he would ostentatiously turn it off.

I do the same thing, been known to do it at teacher meetings

>36 haydninvienna: my elderly father-in-law would pretend to shut his off, in the hopes of overhearing candid conversations among family who thought he couldn't hear what was being said. Sometimes he would then contribute a real zinger and surprise everyone; I always found that funny.

hee, good for him!

when I was finally diagnosed with HH at 16 ( I knew at 9 but no one believed me) the dr told my mon that be aware when I am concentrating on something like a book, she might not hear you callling her. I milked that for all it was worth

>39 cindydavid4: HH? What's that?

sorry, hard of hearing, as oppossed to Deaf

Thinks: I must remember that. It could be useful, true or not in my case (probably true :-) ). Muchly ta.

Hearing problems keeps you away from people. Are you still in SA? I suspect you can get hearing aids easily. do yourself a favor and get it checked out