Public Domain Pooh!

This is the first volume in a series that retells every chapter of A. A. Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh with worse prose, grammar, punctuation, and spelling. There is some humor to be derived from how bad it is, but why anyone but a Pooh completist like me would bother with this is beyond me. But in case you're curious, here's my report from the trenches:

Chapter 1. The Manifestation of Winnie the Pooh and Bees in the Forest . . . This Is the Beginning

Reimagines Winnie-the-Pooh Chapter One: In Which We Are Introduced to Winnie-the-Pooh and Some Bees, and the Stories Begin.

So, my first impression is that this book is a product of the Google Translate game, where you have Google translate text into a foreign language then copy and paste the results and have Google convert those results back into the original language. All of Milne's magical prose has been stripped away and replaced with a bland and watered down rewrite. As in the original, Pooh pretends to be a little black raincloud as he uses a balloon to float up and steal some honey from a hive in a tall tree. It is interesting to note that the main change is to remove all traces of gun violence from the original version. Does this retelling have a politically correct slant?

Chapter 2. Pooh Is Humming, Headed to a Very Tight Place

Reimagines Winnie-the-Pooh Chapter Two: In Which Pooh Goes Visiting and Gets into a Tight Place.

Pooh heads to Rabbit's house where he is fated to overeat and get stuck in Rabbit's door. But wait! The retelling makes its first dramatic swerve by having Pooh crawl out of the hole, but as he does so, Rabbit falls asleep and dreams that he and not Pooh is the one who gets stuck. A dream sequence?!?! Nooooo!! I hate those!!!

So Rabbit dreams Christopher Robin -- often referred to as just "Chris" -- comes and lectures him about waiting an hour to digest food before crawling through holes. Christopher Robin and Pooh then pull Rabbit free, and he wakes up relieved and happy. The (so so dumb) End.

Chapter 3. Can Piglet and Pooh Catch a Woozle?

Reimagines Winnie-the-Pooh Chapter Three: In Which Pooh and Piglet Go Hunting and Nearly Catch a Woozle.

As in the original, Pooh and Piglet follow tracks in the snow convinced they are on the trail of a Woozle. The innovation here is that Piglet and Pooh get scared and rush off for help. Pooh fetches Christopher Robin, of course, but Piglet rushes to his house -- where the "Tresspassers Will" sign has been replaced with one that reads "All Are Welcome!" -- to fetch his father, Pig. So, yeah, Piglet lives with his dad. Pig contributes little though, just standing idly by as Christopher Robin solves the paw-print mystery.

Chapter 4. Where in the World Is Eeyore's Tail?

Reimagines Winnie-the-Pooh Chapter Four: In Which Eeyore Loses a Tail and Pooh Finds One.

Eeyore has lost his tail. Following the original, Pooh vows to find it and goes to visit Owl during his quest.

Here we are given a horrible retelling of a Milne joke:

"Alright, I got it! Pooh, you need to issue a reward for the tail!"
Pooh sneezed and then asked, "Reward?"
Owl smiled because of how cute Pooh Bear sounded when he sneezed.

(The original version:
"The thing to do is as follows. First, Issue a Reward. Then——"
"Just a moment," said Pooh, holding up his paw. "What do we do to this—what you were saying? You sneezed just as you were going to tell me."
"I didn't sneeze."
"Yes, you did, Owl."
"Excuse me, Pooh, I didn't. You can't sneeze without knowing it."
"Well, you can't know it without something having been sneezed."
"What I said was, 'First Issue a Reward'."
"You're doing it again," said Pooh sadly.)

Not satisfied with that bit of mangling, the author has a new character named Panda suddenly show up with Eeyore's tail, ruining the entire ending of the original story. Simply awful.

If I haven't scared you off, this volume is currently available as a free download at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1130362.

FOR REFERENCE:

Contents: Introduction -- Chapter 1. The Manifestation of Winnie the Pooh and Bees in the Forest . . . This Is the Beginning -- Chapter 2. Pooh Is Humming, Headed to a Very Tight Place -- Chapter 3. Can Piglet and Pooh Catch a Woozle? -- Chapter 4. Where in the World Is Eeyore's Tail?

(My Pooh Project: I love Winnie the Pooh, and so does my wife. Having a daughter gave us a chance to indoctrinate her into the cult by buying and reading her every Pooh book we came across. How many is that? I’m going to count them this year by reading and reviewing one every day and seeing which month I finally run out. Track my progress here:
https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/23954351-rod-brown?ref=nav_mybooks&she... ) ( )