James J. Sexton

Okay, so I was a little embarrassed at first to admit that I was reading a relationship self-help book. But hey, research, right? The biggest commitment of my life so far is way too important to me to go in unprepared.

I was just intrigued, at first: approaching marriage success from the perspective of divorce is undeniably an unusual angle. Then I started reading the first page and got hooked, something that almost never happens to me. Sexton is an excellent storyteller, as I would guess most good lawyers are. (Sexton does point out that a good case builds a good story.) He's also funny, exceptionally self-aware, upbeat rather than cynical (which frankly amazes me), and not too self-aggrandizing (except when he's poking fun at himself).

Some of the advice may not be revolutionary, but there's something about seeing failure in action in real situations that is far more effective than the obviously-made-up examples that I expect are in other self-help books. And there's a bit of relief in knowing that in the worst situations described, the couples do end up separated, which leaves some room for hope.

Much of Sexton's advice is simple and direct, things that you can easily do and discuss with your partner(s) without being obviously about Relationship Maintenance. All of his suggestions are wrapped up in examples that will amuse and interest anyone interested in marriage law--possibly even the Law and Order crowd--and anyone who likes reading about real relationships. The stories are gobble-it-up-like-popcorn gossip, but they're educational. (Maybe a better comparison is kale chips, if you like that kind of thing.) Even if you don't feel like you need relationship advice, this is a breezy and amusing book that will make you think.

And, as a divorced man himself, Sexton also offers valuable advice about managing finances and coparenting that would probably make any other relationship self-help author's jaw drop in horror--but which have led me and my spouse-to-be to have some interesting and important conversations.

So, on to complaints, of which there are just three. (I'm trying to do better!)

Sexton acknowledges in a note at the beginning that he's made all the couples heterosexual so that he can keep the pronouns straight and clear. I'm going to call BS on that, since he's almost certainly managed just fine when dealing with same sex couples, and anyway a good editor should be able to help spot any confusion. On the upside, here's an example of Sexton's self-awareness: "I am aware, however, that at this point these terms are heteronormative, perhaps inaccurate, frequently undesirable." Props on acknowledging it. Thumbs down for copping out.

Second, the advice does start to thin out a bit in the second half of the book in favor of Sexton's stories--but those alone are so entertaining and informative, and there are still enough chapters of straight-up advice scattered around that I didn't really notice this until I was taking a second look at the table of contents after I'd finished reading.

Finally, I'm not sure about the title, which seems a little too defeatist compared to the general upbeat tone of the book.

No quote roundup this time, because I worry that my quotes are going to give away the advice!

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own and do not represent those of my employer.

Further disclaimer: I know I said I enjoyed this book, but then I only gave it three stars. I'd probably give it four, but I'm so sick of GoodReads adjusting all its algorithms for me when I read and highly rate even ONE book that isn't my usual fare. Argh!… (altro)