Ross Rosenberg

Review by Family Resource Centre staff, Jessica:

'The Human Magnet Syndrome' is a full-dive read into the undeniable attraction between emotional manipulators and codependents. This book examines how a person becomes either manipulative or codependent, why they are then attracted to individuals that have the opposite dysfunctional traits, and how this polarized relationship endures -- unhappily ever-after.

Emotional manipulators are in a nutshell, self-preoccupied, egotistical and calculating individuals who demand praise and affection to compensate for repressed childhood trauma and/or abandoment. On the other side of the coin (or the other pole of the magnet) are the codependents: self-sacrificing, passive and emotionally-deprived individuals who also seek affection and attention, but obtain it through excessive giving that overrides their personal needs. Due to an upbringing in an environment where they had to conform and serve to feel any sense of love, codependents are unconsciously attracted to those who demand much of them and give little, feeling that eventually they can 'win over' the detached manipulator and inspire the love inside them that they imagine must exist.

Rosenberg's book's strong points lie in the mid-chapters. He introduces the "Continuum of Self Value" (CSV) spectrum, a 10 increment measure that rates one's level of valuing others vs. valuing themselves. At one far end of the scale is the codependent at -5, and at the opposite end is the narcissist, at +5. Rosenberg's theory states that people are naturally attracted to people with the opposite orientation, at the same degree of intensity. So, a -4 codependent is attracted to the -4 narcissist, resulting in a balanced (however dysfunctional) relationship. The complementary balance is what allows the relationship to survive its dysfunction. Rosenberg suggests that those falling within the range of -2 to +2 have a healthy level of CSV, able to interchange between pursuing their self-interests, and considering the needs of others. And they too, would be attracted to the opposite healthy equivalent. With this polarizing attraction theory, those that are opposite orientations but not at the same intensity will not attract. For example, a -5 full-blown codependent and a +2 individual with some self-absorption will not survive long-term, because the the +2 individual would eventually recognize that their -5 friend is behaving in an overly needy and insecure way. Unlike a +5 narcissist, they would not feel a desire to take advantage of that neediness, and may simply move on from the relationship.

Rosenberg goes on to elaborate on the diagnostic criteria and history of recognized psychiatric disorders which fall at different points of the above spectrum. There is great information here both about how the disorders come to exist, and what types of behaviors and thought patterns are part of each.

Where this book falls short (or could be shortened) is in areas where the author rambles on a little too long about his personal experience (mainly in the introductory chapters), and where he goes into tangents that are only mildly interesting, if not wholly distracting from the topic at hand (e.g. including a song's entire lyrics). Oftentimes too Rosenberg quotes sources that are hardly verifiable, such as wiki Answers, which only works to hurt the credibility of his work. When I first started reading the book, I found myself skimming over entire paragraphs when I got the sense it wasn't necessary to read. On the plus side, when it gets into the more psychology-focused material in the middle, there is a more constructive and succinct flow.

Overall, there are great nuggets of information to be extracted from this book, though it need not be read cover-to-cover. I personally like the CSV tool a lot, and by looking at the definitions of each level from -5, -4, -3, -2, -1 to +1, +2, +3, +4, +5, one can easily determine where they fall on the scale, and what kinds of things they could work on to acquire a more neutral, and less polarized, self-value.… (altro)

"Why after so many failed relationships did I meet a woman with whom I could share a stable emotionally intimate and mutually loving relationship?" This the question Ross Rosenberg seeks to answer for himself and you the reader. To this end he posits a theory of relationships that divides the world into 2 opposing continuums. Either you are a co-dependent or you are an emotional manipulator. He says that depending on the degree of dysfunction in your growing years if you are on one of these continuum you are attracted to your opposite. Likewise in the same ways magnets of similar poles repulse each other two co-dependent people will not be attracted to each other. Further more depending on your degree of self awareness a healthy relationship is possible for those not on the extreme edge of each continuum. The explanation of this theory takes about 66 pages. I wish he had said more and given his ideas on what constitutes a healthy relationship and how once formed to maintain one.

The rest of Rosenbergs book is on the origins of co-dependency, basically a coping mechanism for surviving an unhealthy family , the the origins of the emotional manipulator. This part was nice but boring and off the topic of forming healthy relationships. This part of the book seems aimed at psychologists and other helping professions whom he thinks tend to be co-dependent.

The final chapter of the book deals with his journey into the goal of a healthy relationship. The chapter is useful not fleshed out enough for my taste.Overall the 1st half of the book is worth reading if you have a pattern of unhealthy relationships and want an idea of why you tend to repeatedly get into them. Second half is not as useful in that respect but may give the reader insight into the origins of their behaviors.… (altro)