Patrick Morley (1)

Summary: The author takes us through his own journey of healing childhood wounds and leads through a process of reflection to identify childhood wounds, the ways they manifest in destructive behaviors, to finding healing and to shift perspective toward parents, other adults and one’s own children.

Patrick Morley, leader of an effective ministry with men called Man in the Mirror discovered something was off in his own life. His mother died of cancer when he was 53. And he felt nothing. This led him to seek counseling which revealed wounds in his life from his childhood. He was never hugged, told he was loved, or that his parents were proud of him. And so he washed his hands of them. But those experiences of abandonment turned up in unexpected and unhealthy ways in his own work marriage and parenting. As the old saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people.”

Morley believes healing of these wounds is possible, leading to changes in how we relate to those closest to us–and in some instances, even with those who inflicted the wounds. In this book, written primarily for an audience of other men, he guides through a process of unraveling childhood wounds, of healing, and breaking the cycle. The book is designed as a text one interacts with, with short chapters interspersed with reflection exercises and concluding reflection and discussion sections. This makes it ideal for working through with a supportive group of men. It’s not meant to replace therapy, which the author sought out in his own life but as a helpful adjunct to that process.

In the first part, Morley describes his own process, calling the outcome both healing of wounds and “walking with a limp,” but with joy. He explores the different ways parents wound and naming wounds. Often, the out-of-character or disproportionate ways we react as adults point to the wounds of childhood. He spends two chapters on naming wounds, things like “you are oversensitive and often misread what people intend” or “you can’t get rid of the negative voices in your head.”

Part two explores the process of healing. He walks people through stages of healing. Overcoming denial and facing the truth of how one has suffered. Grieving what one lost or missed out on and working toward acceptance. Rethinking the stories of one’s parents and forgiving–hurt often passes from generation to generation until the cycle is broken. Making amends for what we have done without accepting responsibility for another’s abusive behavior. Working to rehabilitate the relationship where possible (he offers very helpful guidelines for when this is appropriate) and setting boundaries against further wounding.

Part three is about breaking the cycle. Here, he returns to face honestly the fact that healing may or may not be totally. We may walk. Our pain may be less. But we may limp–we may always struggle with abandonment or other wounds. But we may know the joy of God’s strength in our brokenness, like kintsugi pottery, where cracks are repaired with gold. We own the ways we’ve weaponized our wounds with spouses and children, sincerely apologizing for the wrong we’ve done. We learn to husband and father from a healed and loving heart that affirms the great worth and unique gifts of those we love. Finally, we realize that there are other men facing similar childhood wounds and walk as “wounded healers” among these wounded men.

I appreciate how Patrick Morley models this throughout this book, transparently sharing his own wounds, the ways he has inflicted pain, and his own process of healing. As noted earlier, the book is of greatest benefit if one does and discusses the reflection exercises with a group of men. Morley taps into something often overlooked in a culture that highlights men’s failures. That is that there are a number of men who want to be better colleagues, husbands, and fathers yet are a mystery to themselves as they engage in self-defeating behaviors that connect back to childhood wounds. Morley offers a path toward unraveling the ways men are mysteries to themselves and toward healing and transformed relationships. He avoids traps of self-pity or bitterness as he coaches men in how they may exercise both agency and self-care in their healing process.

Morley debated how public to make his own journey. Yet by doing so, he has offered hope and a pathway for others who harbor within a “broken boy.”

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.… (altro)