Don-David Lusterman

Whoever would have thought back in Feb 2007 that one of the identifiable subcurrents of my livejournal (along with comix, early-reviewer books, theory shit, ling shit, lil kid stuff, birds, and, um . . . classix, I guess?) would end up being "books about affairs"? (And no, I'm not talking Anna Karenina here.) anyway, I'm no kind of expert, but I guess I can now say I've read summat in the field, and this book has some perhaps unusual virtues that might be difficult to spot upon a casual glance, but can, I think, be useful to anyone who has an affair to overcome.


In contrast to, say, the deft and sensitive Janis Abrahms Spring (After the Affair), whose book takes you on a cathartic journey that almost feels like a counseling session on paper, Lusterman's prose is plodding, and his approach cack-handed, but what he displays that is great is a compendious, almost an autistic, appreciation for clinically exact description of how people feel and what they do--not what they think they do,or the way they romanticize it to themselves. As opposed to Spring's wise ally, or the useful exercises in other books, this is good as a resource--if you have felt it, in most cases it's mentioned in here, and by that I mean the obvious ways and the often sad, sometimes happy or hilarious unexpected ways too. Some examples:


Compartmentalization--we all know what it is; but it's surprising how often books of this ilk don't cover it.


the important difference between sexual addiction and philandering/Don Juanism--both pathetic, but one where the addict is a victim too, and the other more akin to psychopathy.


"'It's as if a marriage kind of has its own rhythm, and I lost the beat'."


The powerful, powerful, central, essential importance for both parties of keeping their emotions on as much of a rein as possible--unless they want to realize when the dust clears that they've in practice made their decision, without meaning to, by their post-affair or post-revelation behaviour. Or, "if possible, report, don't emote".


The fact that telling isn't always or pre-evidently the right thing to do--but in practice, it almost always is.


Frankl 1975: Those who survived the Holocaust less scathed emotionally were the ones who could help their fellows or swear to tell the world--who could see some altruistic point in making it through. The others crumbled.


It isn't that it happened--it's how you think about it. That doesn't mean it wasn't disgusting. It just means that we have the power to neuroplastically train ourselves into, not just blanket forgiveness, which is probably undesirable--but a nuanced understanding of the situation, and ability to handle panic responses, and an okayness that knows this has made us stronger and wiser and less likely to hurt/be hurt anymore.


Lose yourself in your partner's shoes.


Re-establishing trust is worth the effort whether you're going to be partners, friends, or not part of each other's lives.


Remind yourself what is old news. Go through the pain, speak out, rage, mourn, but don't experience the betrayal each time as though it were new.


Pseudohostility and pseudomutuality. Just good terms.


This exercise where you rate each year of the relationship from 1 to 10 and then talk about what happened each year that made it that way. It would be so hard for me to assign ratings like that, but I think the idea has potential.


Feeling trapped is so huge, and knowing that you can leave is a huge,huge factor in being able to stay.


A good discussion of codependency and mistaking intensity for intimacy, obsession for care, and control for security. I have certainly done at least two of these.


No point in thinking you're stupid/a sucker or bad/a cheater, even if you are/were. It'll just make you less likely to transcend.


Some people are just naturally resilient and some are not. Reactions are not generalizable.


What a lot of stuff! And obviously he shows certain biases, such as pro-shoring up esteem, that I am sympathetic with but that have of course been problematized. But there is a wealth of information here, for real.… (altro)

Don-David Lusterman, a psychologist practicing in Baldwin, New York, believes that couples who work hard can save their marriages following an affair: "People often find that once infidelity is discovered and its aftereffects are behind them, their relationship is stronger than before, and subsequent infidelity is unlikely." This isn't true only of married couples--Lusterman points out that people in long-term, committed relationships, whether straight or gay, face the same devastating emotions and have to go through a similar rebuilding process if they want to remain together after one has strayed. Whether or not a troubled couple chooses to stay together, Lusterman says the best outcome is when both partners experience changes and new insights into their lives. He provides several case studies in which couples began to regain their trust through new communication, and instructs on the kind of feelings-expressing language that can help. (He also provides a section on finding a good therapist.) This book will help people on either side of an affair begin to understand what's going on, and help them find the resources they need to continue that quest. --Ben Kallen… (altro)