Dr. Peter Flynn: I understand you're a neurosurgeon.

Bert Fischer: No, I'm a barber, but a lot of people make that mistake.

Max Fischer: Tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today. I'm gonna pop a cap in his ass.

Herman Blume: She's sweet, but she's fucked-up.

Max Fischer: What do you call getting a handjob from Mrs. Calloway in the back of her Jaguar?

Magnus Buchan: A fucking lie.

Max Fischer: You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it.

Rosemary Cross: I will say that, Edward has more spark and character and imagination in one fingernail than Herman Blume has in his entire body.

Max Fischer: One dead fingernail.

Magnus: I always wanted tae be in one of your fuckin' plays.

Max Fischer: I don’t give a shit about the barracudas! Fuck it! I’m building it anyway.

Max Fischer: Are you OK?
Herman Blume: Mmm. I'm a little bit lonely these days.

Max Fischer: We both have dead people in our families.

Herman Blume: You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.

Rosemary Cross: How did I hurt your feelings?

Max Fischer: Oh, my God! I wrote a hit play! [pauses] And I'm in love with you.