I have not been asked why I don’t have children, but it has been mentioned, by people that I don’t know, that I must have children. Because I’ve said something nice to a child, because my “teacher voice” comes out occasionally, even just because I teach. The only people who pester me about when I’m going to have children are people I know. They don’t even ask if, always when, as thought the “if” is a forgone conclusion.

I’ve been making my way through this essay collection for the past year, pretty much since shortly after my husband and I got married. Until that point, everyone asked when we were getting married, so I figured once that happened, people would start asking when we were having children and ding ding ding! I was right! Thankfully, Ben and I are on the same page when it comes to having children or not, we are both in the middle – we haven’t yet decided. But I’d like the world to understand, just as the sixteen writers in this collection outline, it’s our decision.

While the collection claims to examine many different reasons for not having children, none of the authors really touch on anything besides choice. Most other topics are not covered. Most of the authors discuss simply not feeling the maternal instinct. While I enjoyed reading each of these essays, they do tend towards ranting rather than an actual sociological perspective which would be a helpful addition to society’s debate over women’s reproductive choices. ( )

sometimes funny, sometimes harsh. Great read. ( )

An eye-opening look on the decision to not have kids. I found myself agreeing and disagreeing with the authors of these essays. But overall, it was a refreshing take on the lives of those who have decided to have children for whatever reason. ( )

A lot of the women in this compendium describe their desire to not have kids/have kids as a life-long, ever-changing saga based on what they're doing and who they are at the time they were asked. I think that is very truthful. Yes, there were a couple who knew from forever that they would not be having children, but there were also many who did a lot of soul-searching to come to that conclusion. Many who did want children but weren't able or circumstances weren't right, and now have come to change their minds. This is every person's prerogative, but the social narrative is still one of "maternal instincts" and not of a normal person weighing pros and cons before making an important life decision.

[a:Laura Kipnis|71247|Laura Kipnis|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1405548043p2/71247.jpg]'s essay struck me especially of all the stories told in this book. She talks about the social history (in the Western world) of the maternal instinct, how many changes around the time of the Industrial Revolution also changed the way we view our children. Infant mortality went down, making it more acceptable for parents to create emotional attachments with their children early on. Men started to become primary breadwinners, children were no longer needed to supplement household labour and economic needs, birthrates declined so families became smaller...children began to cost more than they contributed, and the motherhood narrative changed in order to justify it, turning children into beautiful miracles and women into naturally nurturing biologically dictated mothers. We can keep telling women who don't want children that they'll change their mind when they're older, or they'll regret it if they don't, reassure them that all women can do it, it's natural...but we don't realize how recent those ideas are or how dangerous it can be to call things "natural". For example, since women are such natural mothers and caregivers, they don't need social support for it, they can still take on the majority of the child care even when they're working full-time, etc. On the current declining birth rate, Kipnis says: "But until there's a better social deal for women--not just fathers doing more child care but vastly more social resources directed at the situation, including teams of well-paid professionals on standby (not low-wage-earning women with their own children at home)--birthrates will certainly continue to plummet." Hear, hear.

( )

This book was much better than I expected. I thought there was no need for me to read this since I've chosen not to have children and am comfortable with that choice. I didn't think I needed to know why others made the same choice. However, I found that this book is about much more than the decision not to have children. Many of the writers had reasoning I never thought about and there is a lot of social commentary in the book that's worth considering.

I was surprised by how many of the writers were childless by way of abortion or who had at one point really wanted kids. I've never been in the latter camp and I've always been extremely careful not to become pregnant, so I don't really think about abortion. It is interesting to consider how many different paths there are to the same end state.

I am happy to be living in a time where society discusses this issue and when we are moving in the direction of it not being a foregone conclusion that everyone should want to have children. Based on the conversations I still have regularly about my choice, I know there is still a long way to go. ( )