I 5 linguaggi dell'amore (1992)

My sister had told me about this book & at first I just blew it off thinking it wasn't really worth reading. Then I found a copy one day & started skimming through it with my husband...WOW!!! Wanna talk about spot-on??!! I am still amazed at how accurate this book is & what a difference it makes when you love people the way they feel love! I thought this would be hocus pocus nonsense but it's awesome & I can't recommend it enough!!! My husband & I had been married about 14 years, or so, at the time & had an awesome marriage - this made it even better! I am able to do little things for him that have a HUGE impact on him & that make him feel loved. You won't be sorry you read this!! ( )

Pay attention to your spouse, discover their love language and "speak" to it. Also the initial "in love" feeling couples have is fleeting so don't expect to last more than 2 years.

That's basically a summary of the book while leaving out the religious undertones, weird praise and self praise from the author. ( )

The book is divided into several sections describing the Love Languages. Each chapter is thoughtful and filled with experiences that are relatable. There are questions for thought at the end of each chapter. He had adapted his book for several readers but his message is the same whether you are married, single, young or old. Communication with other people is an active, fluid process. When we choose to have relationships with people it's important that we speak a mutual language. Once we understand the process it takes commitment and attention to nourish the connections through the years.

"Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving."

This book is helpful regardless of your marital status. It is mostly a book about effective communication. Any relationship we have needs attention and commitment for its continued success. Recognizing our own needs can help us to identify the needs that others may have.

"It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction—the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the “in-love” experience."

"Remember, emotions themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply our psychological responses to the events of life." ( )

Chapman's philosophy --that there are five love languages, and if you speak the language that your spouse identifies with, all will be well in your marriage-- is simple and straightforward. He approaches it very practically, for example he's a big fan of lists: If your spouse's love language is "words of affirmation," make a list of things you could say to her/him, and everytime you hear something on TV or from someone else that you could use, jot it down as well. Then every time you use one of them, cross it out. It almost seems silly, to treat relationship building like a school assignment, but this method would make it easy for people to follow and be assured they are doing it "right." It is also based on the idea that if you want your relationship to improve, you have to be the one to change. That means, if your partner's love language is "act of service," then you ask them what they would like you to do, and you do it, even if you don't want to. It makes a lot of sense, but what happens when, as in one of Chapman's examples, the partner's love language is physical touch, and he tells his client that she should initiate sex with her husband once a week, then twice a week, even if she doesn't want to? It doesn't quite sit well. And some of the content hasn't aged well, despite the book presumably being updated with each reissue....there are many examples of wives who "nag" and define physical touch as sexual intercourse for men yet "cuddling" for women, etc. Chapman's counseling is rooted heavily in his Christian faith, and his clients feel similarly, so without this frame of reference many points in this book may not resonate. ( )

This book changed my understanding of myself and my understanding of my children, my husband, and my entire family. I did not realize that there were certain ways people love and that they wanted that same act of love in response. ( )