Friends & Strangers by Courtney J. Sullivan is a 2020 Knopf publication.

Elisabeth and Andrew are a married couple who have left Brooklyn for if not for greener pastures, at least calmer ones, after the birth of their first child. Elisabeth misses the city, while Andrew strongly believes in an invention, he thinks will solidify their future. But Elisabeth is harboring some secrets, while Andrew is living a life of illusion- and both are coping with extended family issues where money plays a key role.

Meanwhile, a nanny is needed, and Elisabeth hires, Sam, a college student with a much older British boyfriend. It doesn’t take long for Elisabeth and Sam’s relationship to deepen into a stronger bond that goes well past the employee/employer norms.

Elisabeth begins obsessing over Sam’s personal life and confiding in her, sharing her darkest secrets. Sam looks up to Elisabeth and begins to think of her a mentor and friend- someone who is very important to her… but is their relationship a healthy one?

I do not recall how this book came to my attention, but it’s been languishing on my TBR list for at least three years. The synopsis mentions the dynamics of motherhood, betrayals, etc., which sounded intriguing. I also noticed the ratings were a bit mixed, so I didn’t go in with inflated expectations….

Which turned out to be a good idea…

The biggest problem I had to start with was how slow the pacing was. The story was only moderately interesting to me. There were moments that held my attention, and I wondered how things would turn out for Elisabeth and Andrew and if he would ever discover her secrets. As for Sam, I couldn’t have cared any less about her private life, though her romantic dramas played a key role in later developments.

The hypocrisy was incredible, and the characters were hard to relate to or even like most of the time. They all needed to grow up- the grandparents, the parents, the young people, every single one of them were so self-absorbed and immature, manipulative and selfish. Maybe some lessons were learned over the years, but we never really get a chance to delve into any sort of personal growth with the passage of time. There was too much ambiguity at the conclusion for me to feel satisfied with it.

I’m a strong believer in letting people make the hard choices themselves. You might not agree, you might worry, you might be disappointed, but ultimately, you must let people make their own mistakes and let the chips fall where they may. But that is not exactly what this story seems to be about or what most people took from it. Yes, I got the gist of the story… about friendships that develop immediately, are strong and intimate, but then fall away just as quickly, even though they had a huge impact on how one proceeded with life. I get it- but for me the whole thing just fell flat. I’m running out of patience with shallow characters with no redemptive qualities. Feels like a waste of my time. ( )

At first I was kind of bored by this book. Motherhood doesn’t interest me much so Elizabeth’s whinging and wrangling with her new status made me zone out. At least she didn’t abandon her writing completely and tried to work so that having Sam as babysitter was legit. Dumb ofher not to recognize the whole Hollow Tree thing though that’s probably a product of the privilege she was doing her best to cast aside. Also at first the parts with Sam tripping through the last few college semesters with still no plan of action was also kind of dull. I didn’t go to college so have no first hand experience with that kind of semi-safe aimlessness.

Then she met Clive and I knew this would either kill her or teach her a whole lot. At her age disastrous romances do so much to shape who we are as women and define what we want; or more importantly what we don’t. As her relationship with Elizabeth got to be more like friends, I was a little jealous of her having an outside influence as good as Elizabeth’s was for her. So many young women make the worst decisions of their lives at that time and so often don’t have anyone they look up to who also gives sound advice. Even though ultimately Sam found out how her dream job came her way, she took it because it was good for her. She woke up to at least that extent and that saved her character for me.

Even though he wasn’t overtly horrible, I was glad to see the back of creepy Clive. He was controlling and condescending. It can be hard not to play the age card when around people much younger, but when I’ve been in situations like that I’m very aware of it and do my best not to. With him though, it seems like the only way he can feel good about himself is to be with a woman who will look up to him and that was Sam. The attention of an older man can be very flattering. Experience gives us knowledge, but it’s not the only way people come by smarts. I’m glad Sam realized that even though she was crazy in love, her doubts had their roots in common sense and that you can be in love with someone who isn’t good for you.

As things progressed with Elizabeth and the option of a second child, I felt a lot of sympathy and anger on her behalf. Men just treat women’s bodies like machines they can turn on and off and use as they please. The work they do is just a given and they are entitled to it. It ties into the overarching theme of entitlement and privilege. Andrew’s is Elizabeth’s body. He feels entitled to her womb. Even a regular, non-stressful, 100% wanted pregnancy is an ordeal for the human body never mind the added horror, strain and pressure of IVF. I am happily childfree, but when a friend of mine had her daughter, we talked a little bit about working out during her pregnancy. She kept at it because that’s who she is and it made the process better for her, but I reminded her that there would be no going back to exactly how it was before she delivered. It’s life changing, body changing and so when men just think pressuring a woman into doing it again is ok, I get a bit squiggle-eyed. Ditto for those women who judge others for not doing so, like one of the BK mommas did at the beginning of the book. So much for women valuing feminism because it gives us choices.

But I’m getting side tracked. I really wish that the intimacy and honesty that developed between Elizabeth and Andrew could have extended into her telling him about not going through with a second round of IVF even though she said she was. In the end, it seemed that something came of it anyway and the point was probably moot, but it seemed like a step backward at the time. She tacitly agreed he could just use her body as if it was just another tool in the drawer and that’s really wrong. I’ve had more than one relationship founder on the baby rocks with my resolve and sense of agency. That I don’t have to have a baby to please anyone if it doesn’t please me.

Anyway…the other big theme here is money, class and privilege and the recognition of having them. Sam’s comes from her relationship with the cafeteria workers she knows on her job and thinks she’s the same as, and Elizabeth’s from her in-law’s financial problems. Sam has to take a student job because she doesn’t come from money; her best friend does and here at the end of their college time, Sam is starting to see the creeping vines of privilege grow and spread through all the lives they touch. Sometimes it’s for the good when Sam herself benefits, but that also brings feelings of guilt. Her naive attempt to help the women she works with get better treatment goes horribly wrong as anyone with perspective can tell will happen, but she is all earnestness and outrage and thinks calling for action is the right thing to do. When she painfully finds out it isn’t and that her actions made things worse for everyone, it is a relief for her that she can legitimately walk away because it’s graduation.

Elizabeth’s privilege is deeper, more overt and somewhat more painful to watch. She has a real distaste for her father, his cheating ways and his money, vowing not to take a penny from him after he destroys a relationship by having an affair with her boyfriend’s mother. Her wayward and narcissistic sister promises to do the same, but after taking $250,000 off Elizabeth with no idea at all of paying it back, it’s discovered that daddy’s been supporting her all along. Just exactly what that huge chunk of change was for when she basically had no bills is never explained. I hated every person in Elizabeth’s family during that Christmas scene and would have cheerfully watched them being eaten by dogs. How Elizabeth ended up so normal is mystifying and incredible.

So in the end I ended up liking the book a lot more than I thought I would. It’s a very slow mover so if you can’t get wrapped up in the stories of the women, their side-business and lives, you probably will hate it. ( )

I have rarely been as involved in a book as I was in Friends and Strangers by J. Courtney Sullivan. This book immersed me in the lives of Elisabeth, a late-thirties new mother, married and now living in a small town, and Sam, a college senior who becomes Elisabeth’s babysitter. The book is told in alternating sections from Elisabeth’s point of view and then from Sam’s point of view.

Sullivan weaves a mesmerizing tale of the lives of these two women and how they become intertwined in a complex relationship where Elisabeth is employer, mentor and friend, and Sam is employee, friend and confidant. The boundaries of the relationship are blurred from both sides and become more complex as the story moves forward. Sullivan presents us with such detail of Elisabeth’s and Sam’s lives and thoughts that we feel we know them as well as we know ourselves---perhaps even better.

The time frame of their relationship is constrained by the fact that Sam will soon graduate and move on to a new, exciting and unknown future, while Elisabeth is established in her marriage and as a parent. Because of this, we know that the relationship will end soon, but at first we are convinced this will be a happy story of two women who are our friends.

Elisabeth is a lovable, but complex and infuriating woman. Sam sees her as having everything Sam dreams of. As their relationship deepens into one of friendship and shared confidence however, the secrets they share become burdens for Sam. Sam’s uncertainties about her future with her sort-of fiancee, Clive, and worries about her career after she graduates with a fine arts degree, put her on edge and open her to Elisabeth’s manipulations.

Elisabeth can’t face the reality of her own desires and ambitions and as a result cannot be honest with her husband, Andrew. Her guilt about her lies leads her to confide in Sam and then, in an attempt to control something in her life, a compulsion to try to save Sam from her youthful immaturity, but this leads her to more deception.

Sam’s life is expansive, the world is opening to her. She has her remote relationships, with the older Clive, with her roommate, Izzie, with her Latino friends she works with in the college dormitory kitchen, and a budding friendship with Elisabeth’s father-in-law that results in political activism. Elisabeth, by contrast has only her close focus on her family. Sam is Elisabeth’s only distraction, and is one she cannot let go. All this builds through the novel, with Elisabeth’s lies and deceits becoming more fraught and Sam becoming more uncertain about all aspects of her life.

We love them both and worry about them. How could this end well? How can we not anticipate a devastating and emotionally difficult ending?

But then the book just stops and we are left with a few pages of description of Sam and Elisabeth ten years in the future. We have no idea how Elisabeth’s lies and deceptions were resolved with her husband, or if they even were. For Sam, we know more about how she ended up where she did and why. But the book was all about the relationship of Elisabeth and Sam, and the ending ignores that and gives us little resolution, particularly for Elisabeth.

This was a great novel, but it is diminished by the ending. ( )

This is a perfectly decent, well written novel about a woman and her sitter.

The problem is that it feels like I've read it before. The most obvious recent example is Kiley Reid's Such a Fun Age, though that treads on different territory (Sullivan sticks more to class than to race). There's nothing obviously wrong with the book. The characters are good, the plotting is fine. I feel churlish rating it down, since on its own terms it's fine. 3.5/5. ( )

After becoming mother for the first time, journalist and author Elizabeth agrees with her husband’s wish to leave busy New York for a quieter place closer to his parents. Yet, the new life does not really seem to fit to Elizabeth. She feels exhausted from the baby and finds it difficult to make friends in her new community, the other women seem to be happy with dull pseudo-occupations and spend their days gossiping. When she decides to hire a babysitter to gain some tome to work on her next novel, things change finally since she immediately bonds with Sam, an art student in her final year at the local college. Sam herself comes from a decent background and is fascinated by the woman who seems to get everything done easily, who has style and taste and has made an astonishing career. Despite the age gap they become friends, but there are things they just ignore which, however, become more and more apparent the better they get to know each other and when they need each other most, a gap opens which is unsurmountable.

I totally liked J. Courtney Sullivan’s novel from the start. Sympathising with Elizabeth was easy since I can imagine a lot but not leaving a big town to become a full-time mother and spend my day with gossiping neighbours. Sam, too, was easy to like, still young and unsecure but with a good heart and totally in love with her British not-so-boyish-anymore boyfriend. From the start, it is a challenge between two characters who actually like each other but where there is an imbalance in power in several areas which puts at time Elizabeth, at times Sam in a better situation.

The author explores a lot of aspects in her novel which give you food for thought. First of all, Elizabeth’s move to a small town which does not offer much. Also her struggle with being a mother is something a lot of women surely can emphasize with. Quite interesting also the dynamics between her and her husband who cannot really cope with a more successful wife on the one hand, on the other he is relying on her financial situation to realize his own dream. Elizabeth looks down on him since he has never really accomplished anything in professional ways – not a good basis for a new start in a new place.

Sam lives the typical student life, yet, her fellow students all come from rich families and can afford things she can only dream of. She manages to live in both worlds, but feels often closer to the women in the cafeteria kitchen she works with than with the girls she shares the dorm. Her relationship with Clive is mysterious form the start, yet, totally in love, she forgets to question his behaviour and falls prey to him. She is still young and simply makes mistakes young people make.

Both characters as well as the plot have a lot to offer, yet, at times I found the backstories a bit too long, a bit too detailed since they always slowed down the main action. Nevertheless, a wonderful read I thoroughly enjoyed. ( )