Bad Joke of the Day 13

What do you get when you mix alcohol and American literature?
.
.
.
Tequila Mockingbird

Hahaha!

>1 margd: Love it! xD

The cashier told me, "Strip down facing me."
By the time I realized they meant the debit card, it was too late.

- FB

>4 margd: Oh that was you was it? Lovely pair of patella's.😊

>5 TeaBag88: Why, thank you! A little achy, though... ;)

Easter jokes already. Spring can't come too soon!

What do you call 100 little sheep rolling down a hill?
A lamb slide!

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies!

Never buy flowers from a monk.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.

Cow farts come from the dairy air.

>8 rgurskey: >9 2wonderY: HA! :D

>9 2wonderY: The ones located near the urban areas in southeast England were, of course, known as the London Dairy air.
Between that, and the Thames being used as a sewage conduit, it doesn't surprise me that America was colonized.

My uncle texted me asking what IDK means.

Me: I don’t know.

My uncle: D**n, nobody does.

>12 2wonderY: So......What does it mean?

I don’t know!

cue abbot and costello....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZksQd2fC6Y

>14 2wonderY: Sorry, I meant what does "D**n" mean. :)

>16 Jammy1: "Darn"

Our top story today..
Veteran rockers, Roger Daltrey, Pete Townsend and John Entwistle broke into an animal hospital today and set free all canine residents.

Authorities said that they now have proof that The Who let the dogs out.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don't know. Don't care.

*groan* Worse and worse. Keep 'em coming!

My local support group for people suffering from procrastination meets on the first Sunday of each month. Theoretically.

>21 MrAndrew: Love it !

I've got a really smart answer. I'll send it tomorrow. Probably, maybe.

I got attacked by a flock of sheep yesterday!
Luckily, I was only grazed...

>22 Jammy1: That’s a definite maybe.

>23 AHS-Wolfy: Ooh, that's baa-d!

>21 MrAndrew: Can I join? But maybe next month …

Wait for it ...

Sister Bridgette, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a pub in Tralee. The place was quite lively with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use 'the ladies?'"
The bartender replied, “Of course Sister, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
”Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,” said the good Sister.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
''Well, now they know you're one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
''No thank you, but, I still don't understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

>28 clamairy: way too good for this thread.

>29 Jim53: Thank you. :o)

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

>28 clamairy: There's a pub in Milwaukee called The Safe House that had the poster of Burt Reynolds on the bearskin in the ladies' room (don't know if it is still there after the remodel) that had a similar "notification" but it was a bell or a buzzer. Lots of fun! (PS great place to meet &/or eat)

>32 skittles: I love that idea! Wish it were closer.

I just sold my vacuum cleaner. Here, it was only gathering dust.

>34 hfglen: I can't stand my vacuum cleaner, it sucks!

"The lion bit my arm," he said offhandedly.

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? Is it 1……..or 2? 1………or 2?

>37 margd: I can't see that one.

>37 margd: Enough to shed some light on the subject.

I've just been admitted to hospital for food poisoning. Thought i was using a clove of garlic but they said I'd eaten a daffodil bulb.

With good recovery they said i should be out in early spring.

Hah!

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

>42 2wonderY: Did he have a short attention span?

>43 rgurskey: no, he didn't measure up.

>44 MrsLee: This discussion just keeps inching along...

Yesterday a shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head!

My coworkers laugh at the jokes I tell during in-person meetings, but not the ones I tell in meetings on Zoom. When I asked them why, they told me that my jokes aren't remotely funny.

>44 MrsLee: ❤️
>48 foggidawn: :D

>46 AHS-Wolfy: He'll get a reduced sentence. Maybe 50% off.

Maybe the judge will see that and decide the crime was so heinous that he'll get two sentences for the price of one.

>51 WholeHouseLibrary: Then he'll suffer from sticker shock.

>48 foggidawn: Nice! Might have to use that at work. Though they'll likely say my jokes are never funny.

You’d think snails would be faster without their shells…

They’re actually more sluggish.

>54 2wonderY: Love it!

A man goes to the cinema and finds himself seated near a boy with a golden retriever sat next to him. The film starts but the man is increasingly distracted by the dog who is laughing uproariously during the comedy segments, gasping and pointing a paw during the shocking scenes and whooping and hollering at the action scenes. The man is totally awestruck by the animal and as the credits roll he leans towards the pair and says "That dog of yours is truly amazing. He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. I just can't believe it."

The boy replies "I'm shocked too! He hated the book."

A woman takes a very limp duck into vetinary surgery. The vet took out his stethescope and listened to the bird's chest for a moment or two then shook his head and said "I'm sorry your duck has passed away."

"Are you sure?" the woman asked.

"Yes, I'm sure. Your duck is dead." he answered.

"You've hardly examined him. He could be in a coma or something. You've not run any tests at all." She protested.

The vet rolled his eyes and left the room returning moments later with a black Labrador dog. As the woman looked on in amazement the dog stood on it's hind legs and rested it's front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog away and returned with a cat which he proceeded to place on the examination table. The cat sniffed delicately at the bird, shook it's head and meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

"I'm sorry," said the vet, "but this is most certainly a dead duck." He then turned to his computer hit a few keys and produced a bill for his services.

"£150!" cried the woman, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

"I'm sorry," he replied. "If you'd taken my word for it then the bill would only have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan it's now £150."

>57 AHS-Wolfy: 😂

I was surprised to find out that a dentist in my neighborhood was selling drugs. I've been going to him for years. I never knew he was a dentist.

>57 AHS-Wolfy: OMG!!!!!!

>57 AHS-Wolfy: >60 Jim53: I think you guys are lost. This is the Bad Joke thread.

>62 MrAndrew: I can get us back on track, here's a terrible one:

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A cow that can milk herself
AND
A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Committee

Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

>63 Darth-Heather: & >64 rgurskey:, Yes, I think we're well and truly back on track now. Well done!

If someone asks you to spell ‘part’ backwards, Don’t! It’s a trap.

My bed wasn't feeling well this morning so I stayed home to take care of it.

>67 rgurskey: HA!

>67 rgurskey:

Don’t tell us you slept on it :-P

>69 Yamanekotei: As long as there was no lying.

My dog swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble letter tiles. He is at vet’s surgery. No word yet…

>71 pgmcc: reminds me of the child who accidentally swallowed some small plastic toy horses and cows. The doctor said the child was in stable condition.

One windmill asked another, "What kind of music do you like?" The second windmill replied, "I'm a big metal fan."

>73 Jim53:
“Oh I thought you like woodwinds too.”

>74 Yamanekotei: My favorite song is by Billy Preston, "Will It Go Round in Circles"

I once tripped in France.
Eiffel over.

“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.”

Terrible joke. Only three stars.

>77 2wonderY: That's two really good jokes in one!

Out of this world !!

Shouldn’t the word *ambiguous* have more than one meaning?

>79 2wonderY: Too true. And why is *dyslexia* so hard to spell?

Ive just got back from the hospital.

They reckon I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

But at the moment it's hard to say

Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back, and don’t ask Y.

>82 2wonderY: :D

A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

https://nj1015.com/the-true-story-of-sinko-de-mayo-according-to-big-joe-henry/

you waited all year to post that didn't you?

😂

A new plane has been developed that cannot crash. Made of rubber polymers, it will just bounce. The craft was designed by Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

- Calum Macintosh
FB Skye and Lochalsh Memories

:D

The rotation of the earth really makes my day.

>87 Jim53:
Worthy of a, “Groan!”
:-)

It is not exactly a joke but I liked it so I am posting it here.

>89 Yamanekotei: We are trying to decide whether to have a yard sale for the last of my in-laws things. I wonder if that was an effective ad campaign? I most certainly would have stopped by.

>90 MrsLee:
I certainly would have stopped by with stash of singles and fives and some tens.

Try putting this version on up street, and conventional ads on down street and see if there is a significant difference in buyer demographics. I would love to know the result :D

>92 clamairy: Nicking that one for another forum. One back in return.

>93 AHS-Wolfy: Excellent!

Coffee spew.

>92 clamairy: Full groan.

>93 AHS-Wolfy: I don't fancy your one, Wolfy.

A little boy asks his dad "Where does poo come from?"

His father is taken aback by the question but decides to give his son the facts straight up.

"Well son," he says, "food passes down the esophagus by peristalsis. It enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This contracts the protein before waste enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo."

"Wow," says the boy. "So where does Tigger come from?"

>97 Novak: It's when you wake up in bed with one the next day that you finally realise you might have a driking problem.

Now I have flattened it, it’s an ex-box.

When I met my husband he was the super at the apt complex we lived at. One day I saw him carrying away a large water heater box and asked if I could have it for my classroom. He broght it to my school, watched the kids go gaga with the markers, then made some windows and doors for them They were in heaven, and this continued for the next coupld of years when he was working in that position. And yes, I knew about that time that he was a keeper

Oh there is a childrens book called not a box which is just perfect for little kids and their parents

A despondent young woman sat on the end of a pier, contemplating jumping in and ending it all. A sailor begged her to reconsider and come on his ship, which was preparing to leave for Italy. "You can stay hidden in my cabin, and I'll bring you food and wine, and we'll have a great time!" She had always wanted to see Italy, so she said yes, and he hustled her into his cabin. He kept his word and brought her food and wine after dinner each night, and they made love afterwards.

One day she was so tired of his cabin that she decided to risk a walk on deck. The captain asked who she was and what she was doing on board. She explained her arrangement, and feeling guilty, added "He's been scr*wing me every night!"

"He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A man goes to the doctor, complaining that he doesn't hear well.
The doctor looks at his ears and exclaims: "There's a suppository in your ear!" The man starts to grin, and says: "Ah, now I know where I put my hearing aid."

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, doc?

Vet: I have good news and bad news…

Hahahahaha!

Swiped from Facebook...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted” and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.
“Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark”, came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”

Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed…………….

“I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again Christian”

Yup, that's bad. Terrible, in fact!

>106 rastaphrog: & >107 MyopicBookworm: so bad it inspired this one...

A shark is swimming along the bottom of a shallow bay when he comes across a squid who is throwing up.

He says to the squid, "you need some fresh air. Hold on to me and I'll drag you to the surface "

The squid, who is afraid of the shark but too scared to refuse, holds onto the shark and they both head upwards, when a bigger shark appears.

The first shark arches his body and in a single movement throws his poorly companion at the big shark and shouts "there's that sick squid I owe you"

So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie 😊

I'v just finished reading a book called Stockholm Syndrome.

It was pretty bad at first but in the end I liked it.

Did you find it captivating?

An attractive young lady lived in a townhouse with a small garden plot behind. Her neighbor, an elderly gentleman, did likewise. However, his tomatoes were always much redder than hers, so she asked him what her secret was. He decided to have a little fun with her, so he said, “Early in the morning I go out in my bathrobe and expose myself to the tomatoes and that makes them blush red”. She decided to try that herself. A week later he asked her how her tomatoes were doing. She said, “The tomatoes haven’t changed but you should see my zucchini!”

A Dayton, Ohio man of a musical turn confided to a man from the east that his musical talent had once been the means of saving his life.
"How was that?" asked the Easterner, much interested.
"Well, there was a big flood in my town and when the water struck our house my father got on a bed and floated downstream."
"And you?"
"I accompanied him on the piano."

(South African Railways magazine, February 1950)

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He just won the Nobell Prize.

Knock! Knock!
Come in. The door is open.

This may be an oldie:

Did you hear that they arrested the Energizer Bunny?

They charged him with battery.

>116 2wonderY: If it goes to trial it may run and run.

My gas heater was acting strangely yesterday. Kept muttering insults and making irreverent comments.
Turns out the tank had been filled with profane gas.

How do you tell what gender an ant is?

Put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats it's buoyant!

I phoned the tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing!

>120 AHS-Wolfy: I'm guessing they couldn't hear you.

I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for.

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

A minister is giving a sermon on the 10 deadly sins. When he starts talking about "thou shall not steal" one of the male parishioners in the front row becomes extremely agitated. When he gets to "thou shall not commit adultery" the same individual ceases to be agitated and sits back in the pew. As everyone is leaving church the minister notices the man in question and pulls him aside to ask about his behavior. The man said, "When you mentioned thou shall not steal I suddenly realized my cell phone was missing and when you got to thou shall not commit adultery I remembered where I left it."

I found this greeting card in the letters my mom sent to her parents in 1968.
Front of card: Why are Democrats (drawing of donkey) better than Republicans (drawing of elephant)?

Inside card: Whoever heard of a nice piece of elephant?

My mom let me copy this out and draw the pictures to go with it on a separate sheet of paper. I was 5. Bet she didn't show it to my teachers though.

I lost my job at the bank the very first day. A lady asked me to check her balance…. So I pushed her over.

I found out today that you can’t run through a campground.

You have to ‘ran’ because it’s past tents.

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.

Me: 0Mg.

Thanks, i needed that.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and is high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.

>129 margd: HAHahahaha!

>129 margd: Violates the bad joke criteria. That’s a good one.
Sharing with my daughter who was a lactation advocate for the WIC program.

Some people see two piers.
I see a paradox.

(Now that IS bad!)

>132 margd:
Yes, bad; but in a good way.

>132 margd: That's fantastic, I'm stealing that.

A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2².

What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally.
A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water.
Therefore, the Earth is flat.

- Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes (Twitter)

>135 margd: & >136 margd:
These jokes deserve to be in this thread.
Keep up the good work.

An orangutan walks into a bar, orders a beer, and lays down a ten-dollar bill. The bartender figures an orangutan can't know much about money so he draws the beer and gives him back a dollar in change. The ape sits there sipping the beer morosely, seemingly in a grumpy mood.

After a while the bartender, just making conversation, says, "We don't get many orangutans around here."

"At nine bucks a beer," the orangutan replies, "I'm not surprised."

An atom loses an electron…
It says, “man I really gotta keep an ion them.”

- PUNS @ThePunnyWorld (Twitter)

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender responds, “Sorry, but we don't serve food here.”

Did you hear about the guy that lost his entire left side?
He’s alright now.

- PUNS @ThePunnyWorld

Did you hear about the guy who threw up in an elevator?

It was disgusting on so many levels.

eeew :D
__________________________

Where do spiders seek health advice?
WebMD.

- Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes

Straight from a Claire North book I'm currently reading:

Do dolphins ever do anything by accident?
No! They do it on porpoise!

Ha! I do love claire north, is that her new one?how are you lilking it?

>145 cindydavid4: No, it's The Sudden Appearance of Hope. This is the 3rd of hers I'll have read and loved both of the others. This one looks to be heading in the same direction.

>146 AHS-Wolfy: Yeah, I wanted to know more about why this happened to her. Were others around the world as well? In the first 15 lives of harry august I also wanted more background, but knowing that wouldnt have changed how much Ioved both stories.whats the third one you read?

>147 cindydavid4: Harry August was my first and The End of the Day I voted my book of last year. Just really liked Charlie as a character. I should also try and get around to some of the stuff she's written under the Kate Griffin moniker at some point.

oh I remember starting to read it, it esp intrigued me becase Death is my favorite character in Disc World. So I realized this wasnt the same so I put it aside, but might just have to dig it out and try again, without expectation

Electricity bills in England are rising out of control and causing small businesses great difficulty. One Chinese restaurant received a bill for £10,000. They said they cannot turn off all their lights but they do dim sum.

Thank you, ladies and germs! pgmcc is here all month. Try the veal, it's delicious.

I recently bought a toilet brush……….

Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper.

>152 2wonderY:
LOL

I've always enjoyed spoiling Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old!

>154 AHS-Wolfy: Yeah ! I get the picture...

>154 AHS-Wolfy: & >155 Jammy1:
Keep up the good work. These are the sort of posts I come here for. They drive me Wilde.

>154 AHS-Wolfy: Wicked man.

>154 AHS-Wolfy:
>155 Jammy1:
>156 pgmcc: You three should get an Oscar ~

If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?

Vegetarians eat vegetables...so what does a humanitarian eat?

Vegetarians eat vegetables...so what does a humanitarian eat?

>159 alco261: Soylent Green?

And it came to pass: ~ A conversation overheard in the Kremlin, Moscow:

Putin's Mum: He's not the messiah he's just a very naughty boy.

_{God's Mum©}

ha!! I hope you know thats from the movie "life of brian" if not, you need to see it!

        

>163 weird_O:

I hope you don’t mind me snatching this pic!

>163 weird_O: Love it! Love it! Looks like he's really in the sh-one-t this time...

ETA: When full, please mail to The Kremlin...

>162 cindydavid4: Wow! And what part did Putin's Mum actually play?