Oren Jay Sofer

This is one of those books that I listened to as an audiobook but will probably get in print as it is full of useful and practical advice that I'll need to revisit (no doubt). Oren Jay Sofer grounds his work in the principles of Nonviolent Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg. What I really appreciate about this book is how cleanly it intertwines philosophy and practice and maintains a realistic tone.

I found Chapter 4, in particular, really useful in terms of how he frames and discusses underlying beliefs and how those translate into exhibited behaviors. In Chapter 6, the discussion of empathy vs. sympathy was really eye-opening in the clear way that Sofer explains that empathy asks something of us, whereas sympathy is disconnecting from someone's pain, or could even be pity. I think a lot of people (myself included) can easily confuse the two, and empathy, frankly, requires some work. It is "three-dimensional": cognitive, affective, and somatic. He touches upon a similar topic in Chapter 13 where he focuses on sympathetic activation and what that looks (and feels like).

Sofer does understand that these techniques need to be paired with some sort of intuition. He pulls out anecdotes from his own life -- in this case a story about his grandfather and how his methodical application of questions to his grandfather got a bit lost in translation and his grandfather actually felt patronized. Sofer seems realistic that these things take practice and the ultimate goal is for organic communication. He offers exercises that can be practiced in a variety of situations, and a ton of added resources are available on his website.

There are a few extreme examples that didn't resonate as much. The story of the woman who "disarmed" an intruder using nonviolent communication principles irritated the cynic in me. Yes, certainly, I think it is always the right choice to try to communicate, if possible. But that's not always possible, and the intruder's response had a VERY high chance of being different, so I just don't find it that useful to use extreme examples as "evidence" for anything, ultimately.

Personally, the book helped me realize how often I have been a passive-aggressive communicator, and this is through the stories of everyday communication that Sofer shares. For Sofer, speaking, listening, and being in presence -- principles that Sofer outlines in the first chapter and then returns to in Chapter 12--are the key elements of the dance that is communication. I found it a helpful analogy to think of communication as a dance, and Sofer is fairly nuanced in considering contexts for those dances. Reaching mutual understanding first before heading into the problem solving phase of a conversation is one of the most potent aspects of what Sofer espouses. Sometimes we don't have the luxury of doing that, it is true, but to really let it inform a core understanding of communication might be a game-changer for some.… (altro)

One of the best and most influential books I have ever read. I just finished and am going right back to page one to read it again.

This book is so perfectly well thought out and laid out; everything is explained in SUCH a clear manner. This is the type of book so chock full of insights and teachings that even if after applying even one tiny change or idea from the book, you will notice a difference in your conversations. It has the potential to have such an incredible impact in your life.

I just can’t say enough good things about it. Read it. This book can change your life.… (altro)

What we say matters. This book came at a great time for me and was a powerful read of helpful advice based on the mindfulness practice, to have more positive communication. Words can heal, sooth or uplift us and they can also cause great harm.

Mindfulness is being aware of what is happening in the present moment in a balanced and non-reactive way. In order to connect mindfulness to your daily communication Sofer recommendations following these three basic guidelines...

1. Lead with presence.
2. Come from curiosity and care.
3. Focus on what matters.

I love the advice in this book and so many of the points have really stuck with me. I love the chapter that talked about self-awareness and how this can affect the communication we have with others. We need to show up for ourselves and others and sometimes taking a pause before speaking can really help with this. The more aware we are the more choices that we have. We also must have trust and confidence in our own voices.

I highly recommend this book and found so much of it helpful and relatable to my life. Thanks to NetGalley and Shambala Publications for providing me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.… (altro)

Sofer integrates mindfulness, nonviolent communication, and Somatic Experiencing to provide a guide for authentic interpersonal communication. Sofer explains the principles of effective communication and the accompanying practices. He provides exercises for developing the skills needed to build genuine relationships. Sofer writes clearly and methodically takes the reader through the process of becoming a more skillful communicator. Especially helpful is the summary of principles at the end of the book. There is also a list of all the communication phrases taught throughout the volume. There is a section of further resources and an index of the practices contained in the book. This is a book for everyone, since all of us must relate to others. Sofer shows us how to communicate in ways that strengthens those relationships.… (altro)