Letty Cottin Pogrebin

Shanda, Letty Cottin Pogrebin, author; Dina Pearlman, narrator
Letty Pogrebin has written an interesting memoir that will take many readers down a path called memory lane. Some, like the author, will remember the past with a lot of resentment and anger. Some, like me, will remember the past with nostalgia and warmth, rather than judgment and bitterness. While she remembers shame and guilt, I remember the confidence instilled in me to seek success and the genuine pride I felt for my achievements. Yes, there were inequities, boys were given advantages over girls, but that made us work harder, not more resentful. We wanted to prove we were worthy, and we did. It inspired us.
Although I had many of the same memories of things like the Catskills, a “knippel”, mad money, the big “C” referring to Cancer, the need to spit 3 times to ward off the evil spirit, the giving of an additional name to save the life of a sick person, sitting shiva for someone who married outside the faith, the altered birth dates and surnames, my recollections of those traditions and behaviors are not angry. Legitimate reasons brought about that behavior. For instance, even when I was punished or reprimanded, as a child or even as an adult, I always believed, and still do, that my family had my best interest at heart. They were not trying to shame me in public or make me feel guilty. They were trying to teach me appropriate behavior so that I could navigate the world that would inevitably try to knock me down. The author seems to judge others by a standard that is unrealistic for the past, though it might work in the present with its emphasis on emotional reactions rather than rational ones.
When I learned about a knippel, it was meant to protect me in an emergency. My definition of an emergency and Letty’s were quite different. When she took her mother’s knippel, secretly, and then proceeded to buy a car with it, followed by borrowing money from her disadvantaged sister, Faith, I wondered how she did not feel legitimate guilt for that behavior? I never expected my parents to provide for my needs when I was in college. I got a job and did not complain about not having enough money. I did what I could to make my life and their life easier. I never felt that my parents or family members actually intended to shame me, although I may have felt shamed at times, I do not believe for one moment that it was their intent. Their intent was to teach me appropriate behavior. Jews were very interested in the appearance of morality and ethics, but perhaps, in hindsight, and not so much today. Many people seem to accept any use of any means to justify any end they prefer, not only in their personal lives, but everywhere they live and work.
When the big “C” was used, it was my parent’s effort to keep Cancer from our door. When my mom had two birth dates, it was because she had no birth certificate, having been born at home. When my dad parked around the corner so he could go to work on Jewish holidays, it was not because he was ashamed, it was because he had to work and didn’t want to cause the neighbors the shame of witnessing his transgression. It was simply necessary for him to work to provide for his family. Rules were bent because of survival. Yes, we kept our ghosts in closets; alcoholics were not outed, gays were not outed, nor were they overtly shamed as they are today. Their behavior was not outrageous either. Families did what they could with the tools available to protect each other. Is it really necessary for anyone to know every single thing about each other? Is that lying or keeping some things personal, where they should be? Shouldn’t some things remain private? If I can do nothing to help a person, what is the purpose of telling me? Is it so that person unloading feels better and I feel worse for being helpless? Is that what shame and guilt are about? Perhaps the very people railing about shame causing guilt, are really trying to make people feel guilt for not being ashamed enough. Perhaps they are guilty of practicing the same behavior to which they object.
Names were changed because of antisemitism, not because Jews were arrogant or trying to pass as something else. They were trying to get a job based on their qualifications, since the box they checked did not give them a leg up, it tied them down. I disagree with the author’s perception about Israel, as well. She obviously does not support Netanyahu or his polices, nor does she support the former President who brought us the Abraham Accords, and she makes that quite apparent. Yet, while she abhors the horrors of the Holocaust, she doesn’t seem to acknowledge that without a Jewish state that is able to protect itself, there would be no Jewish state and there could possibly be another Holocaust in our future. In the same way, while she writes: “The Holocaust didn’t happen because so many jews lost their courage, but because so many Christians lost their humanity” … she doesn’t realize that the same thing is happening today with American politics. One side is treating the other with disdain and is attempting to erase them by marginalizing them. Are we not losing our own humanity by censoring all other ideas but our own and attacking all those who disagree with us, making up charges and crimes to demonize them? Is the author unaware of the behavior going on around her? It is about perception, and the perception she presents about Jews is negative, not positive. My opinion about Jews is positive. We are people of the book who strive to do better and make the world better for all those in it.
So, as a Jew who identifies with a great many of Letty’s memories, although not with the same angst or judgment, I was conflicted about the writing of this review. If I don’t agree with her, am I therefore guilty of trying to shame her? I have information at my fingertips, provided by her, which is what forms my opinions about her, yet, if I am honest, will those that support Letty Pogrebin try and shame me so that I feel guilty about what I am thinking, although that is the very behavior they are railing against? It is a conundrum, a conflict, an enigma. Do I simply accept what she wrote as her opinion, but not my own, and keep silent about it? Isn’t that called the lie of omission? Isnt that the lie she most resents?
I found, unlike Letty, that in my life, though I didn’t have the perfect childhood, whatever my parents taught me stood me in good stead. I was taught values, morality and a desire to do my best. I was also taught to be charitable and kind. I was not taught to be jealous or resentful, which seems to be a character trait the author has carried with her for her entire life. She is very judgmental at all times rather than forgiving, Thus, she is always forced to rethink her behavior and the behavior of others. Has her parent’s behavior affected hers toward her own children? Of course, it has as all past experience affects all of our future behavior. Hopefully, however, she, like most of us, did what she thought was best and had no ill intent, no intent to harm. Her anger is not the result of a poor Jewish upbringing, pushing guilt and shame, but the result of her own personality. I found her constant disappointment with others to be “disappointing” to me. Although she blames her Jewish upbringing for the superfluous practice of shame and guilt, which harmed her psyche, she may not realize that her own political statements and comments in the book, were doing exactly that, as she casts aspersions, overtly, on those she disagrees with or that disagree with her. She emphasizes the use of the word Palestine although there is no Palestine today; by royal decree the use of the term was forbidden in 1948. There is a Palestine Liberation Authority, but no country called Palestine. What is the author’s use of the word meant to signify? Is she using the very behavior she rails against…shaming Jews who deny the use of the term Palestine so she can cause guilt, shame and unnecessary conflict.
There are some Jews who are pushy and arrogant, they don’t all live in Israel. There are many who are not Jewish who are pushy and arrogant. Israelis have the right to defend their country and Jews have the right to speak out. Her subtle attacks on Jews and Israel were disappointing to me. The minuscule population of Jews around the world has defied the odds. They continue to survive because they are moral, ethical and on the side of justice and the book. They do not spend all their time holding grudges, but rather building bridges. The book was humorous at times, occasionally bordered on being subtly antisemitic and political biased, and it did cross some lines that I would prefer not to cross. I do not support many of her ideas. Although Pogrebin does not seem to, I will support Israel at all costs; I will always be proud to be a Jew; I will always be proud to be an American. Those beliefs do not cause conflict, they unite us.… (altro)

This memoir by Pogrebin, a pioneer of the Women's Movement in the '60s and a noted Jewish writer for generations, focuses on shame and secrecy in her family. She takes us through her childhood, growing up in New York as the 3rd generation daughter of Jews striving for their place in America in the 1940s, and then exposes us to a cascade of lies about her family uncovered one by one over the years, all caused by fear of "shanda", bringing shame upon oneself or one's family.

The argument is that her family is not unusual, that this is essentially how Diaspora Jews have been coping for generations. And it implicitly (and eventually explicitly) asks if Jews should strive now to overcome our insecurities, stop lying to each other and the world, and feel safe in being who we truly are.

The memoir spoke to me as an American Jew, exactly the age of Pogrebin's children, and leaves me thinking a lot about my own family and our own secrets and myths. Great read from an impressive writer and person.… (altro)