Alphonse Allais (1854–1905)

This book is sheer fun. How much fun? To share just how much, here is a 'further adventure' of the captain:

The Further Adventures of Captain Cap

Chapter One
Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles.

Captain Cap is back! I can't believe my eyes, but there he is, in the glowing flesh, right before my very 20-20 vision, looking as debonair as ever, with his top hat and cane, his impeccable brown three-piece suit, wide diamond-studded tie and shinning silver pocket-watch. Oh, reader, I must contain my excitement. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he graced our world in those years when the nineteenth century flowered and blossomed into the twentieth century, mostly in Paris and reported by that outstanding fin de siècle poet/artiste, Mr. Alphonse Allais, and here he stands, gallantly twirling his cane, as alive and vital as ever.
"Oh, Captain, you are back!"
"Yes, my dear Glenn, I am back. And, I suppose you are wonder why I have returned, why my presence is needed in today's world."
"Of course I wonder. Please, tell."
"Quite simply, I can see there is much too much nastiness, mean-spiritedness, coarseness and crudeness in the world today."
"Very true my dear Cap."
"Yes, my dear Glenn, and what the world needs is a man who will take his place as a champion of the aesthetic and the refined; a man who will be anti-nasty, ant-mean-spirited, anti-coarse and anti-crude; a man who will take action against those nasty, mean-spirited, coarse and crude persons and things."
"And you are that man, Captain?"
"Indeed, I am that man."
"And I suppose you know where you are going to start, Captain?"
"But, of course. And that is where I need your help. You must write letters on my behalf to all the appropriate officials in Washington and let them know I will be taking over as Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement."
"My pleasure."
"Meanwhile, please show to the closest watering hole. With all this time travel and re-appearing I could use a good glass of gin."

Chapter Two
How Captain Cap became the Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement

And, dear reader, I did just that. I wrote to all the appropriate officials in Washington amply outlining Captain Cap's remarkable accomplishments back when he was paling around with Alphonse Allais. I also wrote about how the Captain prepared for his assuming such an illustrious public office by refining his aesthetic sensibilities in a number of ways:
He committing to memory James's The Tragic Muse, Nabokov's Pale Fire, Tartt's The Goldfinch.
He duplicated in his mind's eye all of the impressionism of Claude Monet, the abstractions of Piet Mondrian and op of Victor Vasarely.
He walked up Broadway NYC from Canal Street to East 85th Street tipping his hat to every woman he passed. He then walked back down to 42nd Street and performed as Benedict in Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing (amazing his appreciative audience) and also performed hat tricks between acts (further amazing his appreciate audience).
Lastly, Captain Cap designed his own one-of-a-kind one-man rocket ship and flew to Mars and back.
Predictable, I did not receive one letter in return from any of those high Washington officials objecting to Captain Cap taking on such a necessary position.
When I informed the Captain about my political success on his behalf, he celebrated with a lemon squash and a gin sling and then set off at once to start his mission.

Chapter Three
How Captain Cap refined Texas

Our first stop is in the heart of Texas, at a good-old-boy saloon. With his top hat and cane, his swagger and his calling to the bartender for a lemon squash, Cap cut quite a scene, I can assure you.
"Hey, partner, that's quite a hat you've got there." This from one of the longhorn patrons.
Cap replied, "Why thanks, Tex."
The bowlegged patron replied, "My name ain't Tex." And then went on to say, "Around here, we don't care much for being stereotyped by foreigners."
"What is your name?" I asked.
"The name's Slim."
"Have a lemon squash on me, Slim. And a beer to go with it if you like." Cap snapped.
Slim liked that very much. He ordered his beer and sat down at our table.
"So what brings you into town?" Slim asked.
Cap went on to tell him how in his capacity as Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement, he will be taking steps to enhance the aesthetics sensibilities of Texans and how, since Texas is such a big state, his first step will be to make modifications to all the football games played in the state of Texas.
Slim sat back on his chair, took a big swig of beer and asked, "How you gonna do that?"
"It is obvious, my good chap," Cap told him, "We will have the referees make all their announcements over the public address system in French."
Slim's eyes widened to about the size of the a Texas beef. He was about to say something else but Cap was too fast. The next thing he knew he was sitting with Cap and myself in a luxury suit designed with Louis IV furnishings on the fifty yard line at a Cowboy game.
We waited as the referee trotted out to the middle of the field, turned on his microphone and made his announcement: "Procédure illégale" And several minutes later: "Premier et dix." And so it went with all announcements.
Slim leaned forward in his plush Louis IV chair. He went to say something but the words got stuck somewhere south of his tongue.
By the end of the game, we heard every fan in the entire stadium cheering, "Viva la Cowboys! Viva la Cowboys!"
Captain Cap raised his index finger and told me how this is only the start. By next week the Texas will be sprinkling French in their conversation and listening to Mozart instead of country music.
I was about to congratulate the Captain but by the time I turned to him, he was gone, bounding down the steps to the field, setting up an evening rendezvous with several of the Cowboy cheerleaders.

Chapter Four
How Captain Cap brought ecstasy to Iowa highways

Here I am, seated next to the Captain at the wheel as we tool down the highway 20 miles east of Des Moines, Iowa in his 1938 Peugeot 402 Darl'mat Legere `Special Sport' Roadster, a flaming yellow convertible, top down. The wind is in our hair and we have are having a hard time conversing with all the oversized 14 wheelers on the road.
"What was that you said, Captain?"
"As Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement the first change I see that is needed her in Iowa is to deal with all this damn noise from all these damn trucks."
"May I ask how you are going to go about doing that."
"It is quite obvious, Glenn. All trucks will have be equipped with their very own Cap-o-fier, which will not only muffle the noise but transform all truck sounds to ravishing celestial music, specifically the music from Scriabin's Poem of Ecstasy."
"Good show, Captain!"
And not only that, the next step that must be taken will transform all these highways into examples of aesthetic refinement."
The good Captain went on to explain how each highway will be painted in different pastel colors with the locals given a choice of colors. For, after all, Cap explained, this is a free country. And when asked about the available colors, Cap reeled off an entire list: blueberry, bluebonnet, blush, boysenberry, lavender and lilac.
Three days later, on leaving Des Moines in Cap's roadster, we purred along on a most picturesque lavender before turning off on an appealing blush, listening to the Poem of Ecstasy in stereo. An aesthetic experience if there ever was one.
"And before the day is done, my dear Glenn, we will have an ample sampling of all the pastels. Meanwhile, sit back and enjoy the concert."
"Ah, Scriabin! Just the music for Iowa."
"In both color and in sound, the state of Iowa deserves to be enraptured by ecstasy on the highways."

Chapter Five
How Captain Cap rode the Metro-liner train and what happened to Maryland

After some time sitting in a car where the people around us were yacking a mile-a-minute on their cell-phones and to others on the train, I told the Cap about the quite car.
"Quite car?" Cap quipped. "Now that is what I call civilized. Let's go."
Several minutes later we took our seats in the quite car. Cap observed the sign that read how there was to be no cell-phone usage or talking other than in a whisper.
The Captain sat back, obviously relieved from being free from all that blasted chattering and nattering.
"Ah, the quite car," he whispered. "Give me a minute and I will reflect on how this business of quiet can expand a bit. Whilst I am cogitating, my dear Glenn, please do me the kindness of going to the café car and bringing me back a Brandy Shanteralla."
Several minutes later, after handing Captain Cap his custom made beverage (I gave the famous Alphonse Alliais recipe to the bartender who didn't miss a bet in preparing), the captain took a sip, reflected, let out a breath gradually, cleared his throat, raised his index finger and proclaimed in a whisper the following:
"This Quiet Car is a splendid idea. Very much in keeping with aesthetics and refinement. It can be extended?"
"Extended, my dear Cap?"
"Yes, my dear Glenn, it can be extended to the entire state of Maryland. That is where we are, is it not; we are in Maryland?"
"Yes, Cap, we are in Maryland."
"Then, by proclamation in my capacity of Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement I hereby declare Maryland to be the Quiet State."
Cap and I returned to Maryland a week later, driving down highway 95 in Cap's yellow roadster. There were signs posted - signs created in a most tasteful way, I might add - telling the citizens of Maryland there was to be no public cell-phone usage and all conversations were to be held in whispers.
We parked and walked up and down the streets of Baltimore. No cell-phone chatter and all citizens were talking in whispers.
"Cap, this is amazing," I whispered.
"Turns out, my dear Glenn, the people of Maryland wanted nothing more than to live in a quiet state. Of course, there were several people who objected, but they were asked to move to another state, which they did."
"Cap, you are truly amazing!" I said.
"Remember, my dear Glenn, to speak in a whisper."
"My pleasure," I whispered.

Chapter Six
How Captain Cap went completely wild

"What kind of music is that?"
The captain asked me this question after walking into a convenience store in the state in New Jersey.
"That is referred to as Muzak" I said.
Captain Cap's eyes bulged and the flaps of his ear lobes miraculously curled up and closed off his ears. With this Cap signaled me with his cane to follow him outside. What happened next can only be termed a `Captain Cap whirlwind'. The captain let me know in no uncertain terms that extreme measures must be taken to convert the American public to appreciate refinement and aesthetes. In a twinkling of an eye Captain Cap sped off in his roadster and in another twinkling of an eye he was back.
"Ah, Captain," I said, "what have you been up to?"
"Four easy steps, Glenn. And here they are: Step 1. All convenience stores in the entire country will play only the finest of music, mostly Paganini and Vivaldi. Step 2. All coffee shops will have their walls filled with the artwork of Mondrian, Vasarely and Herbin. Step 3. I have placed my magical Captain Cap capsules in the country's water supply and by so doing, the entire population will be attuned to the most refined sounds and the most aesthetic colors and shapes and thus will become connoisseurs and appreciators of the music in the convenience stores and the artwork in the coffee shops. Step 4. I have sprayed the air with Captain Cap sprayer which will sweeten the entire population in a way that there will be no more mean-spiritedness or coarseness or crudeness in any member of the population, including future generations."
"Now that is quite something, Cap!"
"It is something, Glenn. That so called Muzak drove me to these final four steps. And so concludes my position of Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement and my return."
"You are leaving us?"
"Leaving, but I have something for you, Glenn, to remember my visit by -- a derby and cane. Wear them and remember me."
After handing me a derby and cane Captain Cap hopped in his roaster and sped off down the highway and then the roadster sprouted wings and flew off into the wild blue yonder.

Thus ends the Further Adventures of Captain Cap.… (altro)

This book is sheer fun. How much fun? To share just how much, here is a 'further adventure' of the captain:

The Further Adventures of Captain Cap

Chapter One
Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles.

Captain Cap is back! I can't believe my eyes, but there he is, in the glowing flesh, right before my very 20-20 vision, looking as debonair as ever, with his top hat and cane, his impeccable brown three-piece suit, wide diamond-studded tie and shinning silver pocket-watch. Oh, reader, I must contain my excitement. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he graced our world in those years when the nineteenth century flowered and blossomed into the twentieth century, mostly in Paris and reported by that outstanding fin de siècle poet/artiste, Mr. Alphonse Allais, and here he stands, gallantly twirling his cane, as alive and vital as ever.
"Oh, Captain, you are back!"
"Yes, my dear Glenn, I am back. And, I suppose you are wonder why I have returned, why my presence is needed in today's world."
"Of course I wonder. Please, tell."
"Quite simply, I can see there is much too much nastiness, mean-spiritedness, coarseness and crudeness in the world today."
"Very true my dear Cap."
"Yes, my dear Glenn, and what the world needs is a man who will take his place as a champion of the aesthetic and the refined; a man who will be anti-nasty, ant-mean-spirited, anti-coarse and anti-crude; a man who will take action against those nasty, mean-spirited, coarse and crude persons and things."
"And you are that man, Captain?"
"Indeed, I am that man."
"And I suppose you know where you are going to start, Captain?"
"But, of course. And that is where I need your help. You must write letters on my behalf to all the appropriate officials in Washington and let them know I will be taking over as Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement."
"My pleasure."
"Meanwhile, please show to the closest watering hole. With all this time travel and re-appearing I could use a good glass of gin."

Chapter Two
How Captain Cap became the Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement

And, dear reader, I did just that. I wrote to all the appropriate officials in Washington amply outlining Captain Cap's remarkable accomplishments back when he was paling around with Alphonse Allais. I also wrote about how the Captain prepared for his assuming such an illustrious public office by refining his aesthetic sensibilities in a number of ways:
He committing to memory James's The Tragic Muse, Nabokov's Pale Fire, Tartt's The Goldfinch.
He duplicated in his mind's eye all of the impressionism of Claude Monet, the abstractions of Piet Mondrian and op of Victor Vasarely.
He walked up Broadway NYC from Canal Street to East 85th Street tipping his hat to every woman he passed. He then walked back down to 42nd Street and performed as Benedict in Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing (amazing his appreciative audience) and also performed hat tricks between acts (further amazing his appreciate audience).
Lastly, Captain Cap designed his own one-of-a-kind one-man rocket ship and flew to Mars and back.
Predictable, I did not receive one letter in return from any of those high Washington officials objecting to Captain Cap taking on such a necessary position.
When I informed the Captain about my political success on his behalf, he celebrated with a lemon squash and a gin sling and then set off at once to start his mission.

Chapter Three
How Captain Cap refined Texas

Our first stop is in the heart of Texas, at a good-old-boy saloon. With his top hat and cane, his swagger and his calling to the bartender for a lemon squash, Cap cut quite a scene, I can assure you.
"Hey, partner, that's quite a hat you've got there." This from one of the longhorn patrons.
Cap replied, "Why thanks, Tex."
The bowlegged patron replied, "My name ain't Tex." And then went on to say, "Around here, we don't care much for being stereotyped by foreigners."
"What is your name?" I asked.
"The name's Slim."
"Have a lemon squash on me, Slim. And a beer to go with it if you like." Cap snapped.
Slim liked that very much. He ordered his beer and sat down at our table.
"So what brings you into town?" Slim asked.
Cap went on to tell him how in his capacity as Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement, he will be taking steps to enhance the aesthetics sensibilities of Texans and how, since Texas is such a big state, his first step will be to make modifications to all the football games played in the state of Texas.
Slim sat back on his chair, took a big swig of beer and asked, "How you gonna do that?"
"It is obvious, my good chap," Cap told him, "We will have the referees make all their announcements over the public address system in French."
Slim's eyes widened to about the size of the a Texas beef. He was about to say something else but Cap was too fast. The next thing he knew he was sitting with Cap and myself in a luxury suit designed with Louis IV furnishings on the fifty yard line at a Cowboy game.
We waited as the referee trotted out to the middle of the field, turned on his microphone and made his announcement: "Procédure illégale" And several minutes later: "Premier et dix." And so it went with all announcements.
Slim leaned forward in his plush Louis IV chair. He went to say something but the words got stuck somewhere south of his tongue.
By the end of the game, we heard every fan in the entire stadium cheering, "Viva la Cowboys! Viva la Cowboys!"
Captain Cap raised his index finger and told me how this is only the start. By next week the Texas will be sprinkling French in their conversation and listening to Mozart instead of country music.
I was about to congratulate the Captain but by the time I turned to him, he was gone, bounding down the steps to the field, setting up an evening rendezvous with several of the Cowboy cheerleaders.

Chapter Four
How Captain Cap brought ecstasy to Iowa highways

Here I am, seated next to the Captain at the wheel as we tool down the highway 20 miles east of Des Moines, Iowa in his 1938 Peugeot 402 Darl'mat Legere `Special Sport' Roadster, a flaming yellow convertible, top down. The wind is in our hair and we have are having a hard time conversing with all the oversized 14 wheelers on the road.
"What was that you said, Captain?"
"As Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement the first change I see that is needed her in Iowa is to deal with all this damn noise from all these damn trucks."
"May I ask how you are going to go about doing that."
"It is quite obvious, Glenn. All trucks will have be equipped with their very own Cap-o-fier, which will not only muffle the noise but transform all truck sounds to ravishing celestial music, specifically the music from Scriabin's Poem of Ecstasy."
"Good show, Captain!"
And not only that, the next step that must be taken will transform all these highways into examples of aesthetic refinement."
The good Captain went on to explain how each highway will be painted in different pastel colors with the locals given a choice of colors. For, after all, Cap explained, this is a free country. And when asked about the available colors, Cap reeled off an entire list: blueberry, bluebonnet, blush, boysenberry, lavender and lilac.
Three days later, on leaving Des Moines in Cap's roadster, we purred along on a most picturesque lavender before turning off on an appealing blush, listening to the Poem of Ecstasy in stereo. An aesthetic experience if there ever was one.
"And before the day is done, my dear Glenn, we will have an ample sampling of all the pastels. Meanwhile, sit back and enjoy the concert."
"Ah, Scriabin! Just the music for Iowa."
"In both color and in sound, the state of Iowa deserves to be enraptured by ecstasy on the highways."

Chapter Five
How Captain Cap rode the Metro-liner train and what happened to Maryland

After some time sitting in a car where the people around us were yacking a mile-a-minute on their cell-phones and to others on the train, I told the Cap about the quite car.
"Quite car?" Cap quipped. "Now that is what I call civilized. Let's go."
Several minutes later we took our seats in the quite car. Cap observed the sign that read how there was to be no cell-phone usage or talking other than in a whisper.
The Captain sat back, obviously relieved from being free from all that blasted chattering and nattering.
"Ah, the quite car," he whispered. "Give me a minute and I will reflect on how this business of quiet can expand a bit. Whilst I am cogitating, my dear Glenn, please do me the kindness of going to the café car and bringing me back a Brandy Shanteralla."
Several minutes later, after handing Captain Cap his custom made beverage (I gave the famous Alphonse Alliais recipe to the bartender who didn't miss a bet in preparing), the captain took a sip, reflected, let out a breath gradually, cleared his throat, raised his index finger and proclaimed in a whisper the following:
"This Quiet Car is a splendid idea. Very much in keeping with aesthetics and refinement. It can be extended?"
"Extended, my dear Cap?"
"Yes, my dear Glenn, it can be extended to the entire state of Maryland. That is where we are, is it not; we are in Maryland?"
"Yes, Cap, we are in Maryland."
"Then, by proclamation in my capacity of Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement I hereby declare Maryland to be the Quiet State."
Cap and I returned to Maryland a week later, driving down highway 95 in Cap's yellow roadster. There were signs posted - signs created in a most tasteful way, I might add - telling the citizens of Maryland there was to be no public cell-phone usage and all conversations were to be held in whispers.
We parked and walked up and down the streets of Baltimore. No cell-phone chatter and all citizens were talking in whispers.
"Cap, this is amazing," I whispered.
"Turns out, my dear Glenn, the people of Maryland wanted nothing more than to live in a quiet state. Of course, there were several people who objected, but they were asked to move to another state, which they did."
"Cap, you are truly amazing!" I said.
"Remember, my dear Glenn, to speak in a whisper."
"My pleasure," I whispered.

Chapter Six
How Captain Cap went completely wild

"What kind of music is that?"
The captain asked me this question after walking into a convenience store in the state in New Jersey.
"That is referred to as Muzak" I said.
Captain Cap's eyes bulged and the flaps of his ear lobes miraculously curled up and closed off his ears. With this Cap signaled me with his cane to follow him outside. What happened next can only be termed a `Captain Cap whirlwind'. The captain let me know in no uncertain terms that extreme measures must be taken to convert the American public to appreciate refinement and aesthetes. In a twinkling of an eye Captain Cap sped off in his roadster and in another twinkling of an eye he was back.
"Ah, Captain," I said, "what have you been up to?"
"Four easy steps, Glenn. And here they are: Step 1. All convenience stores in the entire country will play only the finest of music, mostly Paganini and Vivaldi. Step 2. All coffee shops will have their walls filled with the artwork of Mondrian, Vasarely and Herbin. Step 3. I have placed my magical Captain Cap capsules in the country's water supply and by so doing, the entire population will be attuned to the most refined sounds and the most aesthetic colors and shapes and thus will become connoisseurs and appreciators of the music in the convenience stores and the artwork in the coffee shops. Step 4. I have sprayed the air with Captain Cap sprayer which will sweeten the entire population in a way that there will be no more mean-spiritedness or coarseness or crudeness in any member of the population, including future generations."
"Now that is quite something, Cap!"
"It is something, Glenn. That so called Muzak drove me to these final four steps. And so concludes my position of Minister of Aesthetics and Refinement and my return."
"You are leaving us?"
"Leaving, but I have something for you, Glenn, to remember my visit by -- a derby and cane. Wear them and remember me."
After handing me a derby and cane Captain Cap hopped in his roaster and sped off down the highway and then the roadster sprouted wings and flew off into the wild blue yonder.

Thus ends the Further Adventures of Captain Cap.… (altro)